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By: Sarge Lintecum
Copyright © 1996-1998

The trouble all started when the humans
Rearranged the living room furniture.
For some unknown reason
They put the leg of the couch

Right on the corner of the throw rug.
Well, Throw Rug was outraged.
You see throw rugs
Really hate to be pinned down.

It's against their nature. So Throw Rug,
Having seen the commercials on TV,
Decided to hire the law firm
Of Shoe Box, Coat Hook, and Lamp.

Their offices were located in the hall closet.
That's why Shoe Box and Coat Hook
Had taken on Lamp as a partner.
He wasn't a very good lawyer,

But he was located just outside the closet
And he could see everything that happened
In the entire living room.
Shoe Box, the senior partner,

Was always spouting old sayings
And, "Location is everything in business",
Was one of them.
Coat Hook was greatly annoyed

By Shoe Box's stale old sayings,
But had to pretend to enjoy them
Because Shoe Box was the senior partner.
So Coat Hook always gave Lamp a hard time

Mostly because Lamp seemed to verify
One of Shoe Box's tiresome old sayings.
Of course when Couch was served
With the law suit papers

He flipped his cushions
And filed a counter suit, swearing to,
"Sue the fringe off that rotten Throw Rug."
Well, the legal battle was set

And their day in court came.
Shoe Box smiled to see that Judge Ottoman
Was presiding over the case,
Because Judge Ottoman was known

To be sympathetic to shoes.
Shoe Box, Coat Hook, and Lamp
Were smiling at each other
And feeling confident about the trial

When in came Couch's attorney.
The whole court room fell silent,
Then a lot of whispering began,
All repeating the name of Couch's lawyer . . .

F. Lee Doily,
The most famous lawyer in the land.
A legal battle ensued, the likes of which
Have never been seen since,

Because all the lawyers felt that
It would help their careers if they won.
So as Shoe Box often says, they all,
"Put their best foot forward",

And fought really hard.
After all, the trial
Was getting great press coverage.
Then came the final arguments,

Both of which were nominated
For Academy Awards.
Then it was all up to the judge
So he retired to his chambers

To wait for contributions
To his reelection campaign,
And think about the case.
When the judge finally came out

Everyone in the room, especially Chandelier,
Hung on every word.
"I've come to a decision," said Judge Ottoman.
Everyone seemed to inhale at once.

"It is not Throw Rug's fault." He continued,
But the court room erupted with shouting
And the judge hammered his gavel to restore order.
Order was very important to the judge

Because he had been ordered
From a Sears catalogue as a child.
Judge Ottoman continued,
"It is not Couch's fault either!

It is the humans fault,
And you are not allowed to sue the humans.
They are the closest thing we have to a government."
Both Throw Rug and Couch objected.

They felt cheated out of their justice
So they demanded to know
What kind of a justice system
Would allow both parties to lose.

The judge turned red.
Well, he had always been maroon
But he turned bright red
And banged his gavel,

And told them they were out of order,
And fined them three hundred and fifty dollars each
For contempt of court,
To which they both enthusiastically pleaded guilty.



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